


One January Night

by AngeliqueH



Series: When Winter Comes [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Brain Damage, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Deaf Clint Barton, Depression, Disabled Character, F/M, Gay Steve Rogers, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Service Dogs, Sign Language, Social Anxiety, Speech Disorders, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Traumatic Brain Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 21:50:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13257315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngeliqueH/pseuds/AngeliqueH
Summary: Before going back to work, Steve Rogers still has things to learn: 1- Depression is a bitch and the battle against it isn't an easy one. 2- Dating a person with disabilities comes with its share of challenges.This story can be read as a stand-alone or as the 3rd part of the When Winter Comes series (see short summary of part 1 and 2 in the notes)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story can be read as a stand-alone or as the 3rd part of the When Winter Comes series. 
> 
> Summary of part 1 and 2:  
> After ignoring the signs of depression for too long, Steve Rogers hits the bottom. With help, he begins his journey for recovery. One day, he runs into Bucky Barnes, and Steve’s life changes unexpectedly. After admitting their feelings for one another on Christmas Eve, their flourishing love is rapidly put to test when something happens to Winter, Bucky’s service dog. Through Bucky’s vulnerability, Steve understands the deep meaning of love and acceptance. 
> 
> Thank you Tracy7307 for you precious help!

Steve takes a seat across the small study table where Bucky sits  He likes to come to the library where Bucky works and meet with him on his lunch break.  Steve is going back to work next week, and he's planning on spending as much time as possible with his boyfriend. His boyfriend... His everything - but Steve keeps this to himself. He knows it's crazy to feel that way after meeting Bucky only a few months ago, but that's just how it is.

They sit in the comfortable silence of the quiet building. Bucky once told Steve how much he likes it here because he doesn't feel the need to talk. Sharing his life with a man who sometimes barely makes a sound and relies on sign language (of which Steve is learning a little more every day) makes Steve realize how many unnecessary words one can say in a day. It all adds up for Steve: a gentle touch or smile, a kind nod of the head or a look full of compassion - all of those silent little things that tell you how much you love someone. Every day, Bucky tells Steve how much he loves him with his simplicity. On good days, Bucky can be more talkative, and to his surprise, Steve has discovered that Bucky has a very good sense of humor. He's also a total nerd when it comes to history and geography even though he can't remember dates very well and jokes about the fact that he probably looked at the same books a hundred times.

Steve feels a soft kick on his leg. He shakes himself out of his reverie. Bucky is smiling and staring at him with his beautiful grey eyes with so much affection that Steve blushes and feels his heartbeat accelerate. He wonders if Bucky feels the same. Judging by the shy smile and the way Bucky giggles, he probably does.

Bucky taps gently on his notebook with his pen and turns it so that Steve can read what's written in Bucky's childish handwriting.

_"He was handsome, tall, and strong, with vivid blue eyes, all of which drew friends to him the way a lens gathers light..." "His eyes were as blue as ever, bluer at this instant by the proximity of the sea..."_

"Those are beautifully written Buck. Who's 'He'?"

Bucky blushes and looks up to Steve timidly before pointing at him.

"Oh, me? You're talking about my eyes?"

Bucky nods keenly. His face illuminates as he fetches something in his messenger bag. He shows the book Steve had given him for Christmas _(The Devil in the White City*)_ and signs something Steve can't quite catch.  Steve open ups his hands and signs. _What?_

"Don't tell me I look like this devil in your book!"

Bucky laughs genuinely, little lines forming at the corner of his eyes when he scrunches up his nose. He shakes his head and signs the words as he speaks slowly but clearly. He had lots of practice with Steve, and he feels more and more confident but only when they are alone together.

"N-No. Remind-me-you," he says happily as he points at Steve.

Steve laughs. "So that's why I caught you reading this entire book at least two, if not three times since I gave it to you?"

Bucky shrugs with his one functioning shoulder and looks sheepishly at Steve through his eyelashes.

"Hey! C'mon. I'm just teasing. I'm glad you like it that much." Steve stretches his arm and Bucky does as well, and they hold hands - a simple gesture that always works to reassure him. Bucky is the first to let go to pick his phone out of his pocket to check what time it is.

_Work_ , he signs, pursing his lips and rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, I know. I wish I could stay longer."

Steve gets up and puts his heavy jacket on. He gently pets Winter who's resting by Bucky's feet.

"See you two tonight." He kisses the top of Bucky's head who leans into Steve's touch with his eyes closed. "Oh, Buck, before I forget. Jemma from the office texted me this morning. She and Fitz are going out with a few other guys from work this Friday, and she asked if we'd like to join them. Could be a good opportunity to catch on all the gossip and shenanigans since I'm going back to work next week."

Steve doesn't miss how Bucky creases his eyebrows and the flash of concern passing through his eyes before he forces a smile and nods in agreement.

“I guess we’ll talk about it later.”


	2. Chapter 2

Steve walks back to his apartment with a heaviness in his chest. He's frustrated. He doesn't understand why Bucky doesn't want to go out with him and his friends on Friday night. His feelings rapidly turn into anger. Anger towards everyone and everything. Why the fuck can't his life be easy? All he wants is a simple night out with some folks from his office and Bucky. He tries to do as his therapist said: to go out, to meet with people. Isolating himself and staying at home would be so much easier than confronting everyone, answering questions about how he's doing to which his rote response is “fine”. Then he’ll get the usual follow-up “But how are you _really_ doing?” “I said I’m-”

He promised his therapist - no - he promised _himself_ he would try to enlarge his social circle, so that's why he texted Jemma that he would be there. And what happens? This is what happens: his boyfriend turns it into something even more complicated. Stay at home and let his life pass by, that's what he should do. What's the use of all his efforts to get back on track when just a simple night out becomes such a big deal? Why the fuck does he care so much when apparently everyone seems to care about themselves before anything else?

Steve realizes as he picks up his pace that he's mad at Bucky, and he hates himself for that. It hurts, and he feels like something inside his heart just broke. His head is buzzing with too many emotions he can't identify coming all at once. He comes out of his head when a car honks at him as he sets foot on the pavement of a busy intersection while the light is red. He steps back just in time to avoid being hit by the car. He shuts his eyes and bends over to rest on his knees while he catches his breath and slows his heartbeat. His innate pragmatism always kicks in at the worst - or is it the best? – time; “what the fuck Steve, you trying to get yourself killed? It's your mind that plays tricks on you, Steve. Bucky didn't even tell you yet why he was hesitant to go there with you. Maybe you're just imagining things. You're fine Steve. You're fine.”

But he's not.

Both his doctor and his therapist told him that recovering from depression wasn't something linear. After answering numerous questions about his mom and dad’s histories, the doctor concluded that the lead cause of his depression was probably a chemical imbalance in his brain, something he perhaps inherited from the Rogers' side.

Steve takes a few steps back and leans against the corner of a building. He rubs his face with his gloved hands as he tries to remember if he took his meds this morning. Steve groans in frustration. His mind just won't stop running and he just can’t remember whether he took them or not. He closes his eyes one moment and takes a couple of deep breaths. “Fuck...”

Steve shoves one hand into his pocket and fetches his phone out. After the fourth ring, Steve listens to the soothing voice and waits for the tone to leave his message.

"Hi, it's Steve, um, Steve Rogers.  I know we weren't supposed to meet until next week but, um... I think... I think I need to talk. Call me back if you have time on your schedule this week. Thanks."

Steve puts his phone back into his pocket and sighs. One part of his brain tells him how pathetic he is to react like this over something Bucky didn't even say, and the other part tells him that he did the right thing to call his therapist instead of letting himself drown into dark thoughts.

He checks his watch; Bucky is supposed to meet him at his place for dinner. That leaves him four hours, maybe five. He scans his surroundings and sees a hardware store. Steve walks in and heads directly to the paint & decor section.

~*~ 

Steve is finishing applying the second layer of bright white paint on the ogees and the window frame when he hears Bucky knocking on his door. He already applied the first layer of charcoal paint on the main wall of his living room. The dark color should make the modern furniture stand out while the lighter tone of grey on the opposite wall will catch the natural light. He puts the bag full of white decorative cushions out of the way and opens the door. Bucky, who's standing in the door frame with Winter, looks at Steve's stained old shirt with a puzzled look before pointing at Steve's cheek.

"Oh, that's just paint." Steve rubs the white paint off his face. "Come inside," Steve steps aside to let Bucky and his dog enter. "What do you think?"

Bucky looks around the living room, nodding in agreement with Steve's choice of color and turns back with curiosity all over his face. He opens his hand and signs _why?_

Steve runs a hand through his short hair - he finally went to the hairdresser last week - and looks down, bashfully.

"I - I don't know. Needed to do something. I guess it's _really_ time for me to go back to work," Steve lies and laughs nervously.

Bucky stares at Steve, unconvinced.

"I... Um. I guess I've pushed that mandala exercise to the next level. It's something my therapist suggested when I'm feeling down or upset and-"

Bucky takes a step closer and puts his fingers softly over Steve's mouth. He leans forward and places a gentle kiss on Steve's lips before pushing back and scrutinize Steve's face with a concerned look.

"Don't worry Buck; I'm fi-" Steve cuts short his word. He knows too well how it ends when he pretends to be fine. He's been doing so well lately, but he still has to work on some issues, one of them being to stop lying about how he feels.

Steve sighs and scratches his two-day stubble.

"I'm sorry Buck. It's just - it's just that I was excited earlier to tell you about going out this Friday and introduce you to my team, and..." Steve runs his hand over his face. "And I walked out of the library under the impression that you didn't want to go and, I don't know, my mind just started imagining things, and I got mad and-"

Steve sees the pain in Bucky's eyes. Bucky is biting nervously on his lower lip like he always does when he's searching for the right words.

"I - I said I would g-go w-with you."

"I know. It was stupid of me, I..."

Bucky continues, ignoring Steve's apology.

"It's n-not easy f-for me; you don't un-und-dd" Bucky lets out a loud, frustrated groan. He sighs heavily, unable to say the word.

"You're right Buck. I don't understand because I can't fucking read what's in your head all the time!" The words come out of Steve's mouth much louder than intended.

Winter whines and places himself protectively between Steve and Bucky, who runs his fingers through his service dog's fur. He lowers his head and hunches his shoulders in defeat. Steve's heart breaks even more when he sees Bucky blinking away the tears forming in his eyes.

"Fuck. No. Buck, no. It's not what I meant."

Bucky flinches when Steve tries to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and steps back.  Steve wants to lace his fingers with Bucky's, but Bucky removes his arm with force and turns to open the door.

Steve apologizes desperately but Bucky and his dog are already going down the staircase at the end of the hallway. Steve leans against his closed door and lets himself slide to the floor, banging his head against the door, angry at himself. He startles when he hears the notification sound of his phone.

\- I'm sorry too

Steve stares at the three dots indicating that Bucky is typing, but they disappear after a few seconds. Steve stays on the floor with his phone in his hand for a long time as tears start rolling down his face.


	3. Chapter 3

Three days pass without hearing from Bucky. On Friday morning, Steve stares at his kitchen sink full of dirty dishes and asks himself why he even bothers. He's wearing the same T-shirt stained with curry from the Indian take-out he ordered two nights ago and the same relatively clean pair of jeans he wore on Tuesday for his session with the therapist.

He turns on his heels, ignoring the poor state of his kitchen, and lets himself fall onto his couch. He picks his phone from the coffee table and ponders whether to go back to work the following week or call his doctor's office for an extension of his medical leave.

He's dialing the clinic when he hears a soft knock on his door. He waits, unsure if it's only his imagination, when there's another knock, louder this time. His heart skips a beat when he recognizes the scratching sound of dog claws on his door.  He rushes to his door and opens it wide without even caring to check in the peephole. His heart beats a hundred miles an hour.

"Bucky?"

Bucky stands in the door frame, looking as miserable as Steve, unshaven with tangled hair. Winter, entirely oblivious to the situation, wags his tail happily when Steve greets him.

"C-can I c-come in?"

Steve steps aside to let them enter and closes the door behind them. He doesn't miss how Bucky winces when he looks around and sees Steve's poorly kept apartment.

"Do you want to sit?" Steve indicates his couch. The new decorative cushions are still in their bag, stuffed in the corner next to the piled-up pots of paint. "I could use some coffee. You want some?"

Bucky nods. He removes his boots and walks to the couch with Winter dutifully by his side. His nervousness is palpable, enough for Steve to wonder how he even managed to ask if he could come in without signing. Steve takes longer than necessary to prepare the coffee in the kitchen, out of Bucky's sight, to calm himself down. He takes a couple of deep breaths before returning to the living room while the coffee brews.

Bucky looks at Steve sheepishly through his eyelashes before tapping twice on the couch.

"You want me to sit?"

Bucky nods yes. Steve sits next to Bucky, who looks at him quickly before turning his eyes back to his dog. He pets Winter absently and sighs.

"I - I want to ap-apoli-gi-gize." Bucky starts, but Steve cuts him.

"No Buck it's all my fault I-" Bucky scowls at Steve, and Steve shuts up immediately.

"L-let m-me talk." 

Steve lifts both of his hands and lets them fall in defeat.

"You said t-that w-when you l-love s-som, ss-some" Bucky looks at Steve for help.

"Someone?" Steve guesses to which Bucky nods.

"You s-said flaws or d-disa-b-bility don't matter." Bucky stops and takes a breath. Steve knows how much of an effort it must be for him to talk like this. "B-but it m-matters t-to me."

Steve frowns when Bucky stares back at him. He doesn't understand what Bucky means. It must be showing on his face because Bucky starts to explain before he even asks.

"I don't," he starts but shakes his head, "it-t's hard f-for me to meet new p-people. Most think I'm d-dumb b-because of how me speak." 

Steve starts to protest, but Bucky shushes him with his hand.

"I sh-should t-trust you. I should t-trust our love. If it does not m-matter to you, I shou-ld n-not be s-cared ab-bout what your f-friends think of me." 

At this moment, Bucky's pleading eyes are begging for forgiveness. Steve pulls him into a hug. Steve has no idea how long they remain like this, but it's long enough for their breathing to synchronize. They push back when Bucky starts to giggle and signs something that Steve is pretty sure means that he stinks. He gets up with an apologetic smile and starts walking to his bathroom when he feels Bucky's fingers interlacing with his. Bucky only lets go of his hand to tug at Steve's shirt that ends up on the bathroom floor along with Steve's dirty pair of jeans and Bucky's clothes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small detail for those unfamiliar with AoS, Leo Fitz and Lance Hunter are simply called Fitz and Hunter most of the time.

Later that afternoon, while Bucky is out in the park with Winter, Steve texts Jemma to ask if they can make some adjustments for Bucky.

          - What about the Hawkeye pub? We went there a couple of times before; you know, that guy you knew from high school?

Steve wonders why he didn't think of this option before. Back in high school, Clint Barton was this easy-going guy who everyone loved. His pub was a cozy place without any loud music. Steve was also sure Bucky's service dog would be welcomed there since he's sure he saw Clint's own Labrador sleeping behind the bar once. He texts back Jemma, and they decide on a time to meet over there later tonight.

Steve shaves and fixes his hair. He takes a moment to stare at himself in the mirror. Clean-shaven and with shorter hair, he looks more like himself than the last time he saw his team that last day before Thanksgiving. He remembers how deep in depression he was at that time even though he was pretending everything was alright. He thinks how much of an insidious bitch depression can be; it's a sad day, a deception, a loss of faith. One little drop of annoying cold water falling on your forehead, followed by another one, and another one, until you can't take it anymore. You tell yourself, "I'm not that down, just a bit lower than yesterday." Then it's one step lower, and another step. Then you look back and realize that you're at the bottom of the staircase and feel like you’re in the deepest hell. You see no exit, no possible way to get out of there alive.  Steve smiles at himself when he remembers how he found unexpected allies, starting with Fury, his boss, who didn't fire him that day, and instead sent him home to rest. Sam, his ex-boyfriend, who listened to him the night he thought everything in his world was crumbling down. His doctor, his therapist. And Bucky. Bucky, who gave him back hope, who made him understand how valuable he was. Who taught him that even though the things you do seem small, they all matter in the end.

~*~

They stop by Bucky's place so he can shave, change clothes, and give Winter food. They arrive at the Hawkeye's address just in time to meet with Jemma and Fitz on the sidewalk in front of the pub. Steve introduces Bucky to his two colleagues who greet him warmly without offering their hand. Steve appreciates the gesture since Bucky is holding Winter’s leash tightly with his one functioning hand.

As they enter the place, they hear a thick British accent. Steve walks straight to the large table and hugs the man now standing up.

"Bucky, this is Lance Hunter, and his wife, Bobbi." Bucky smiles and nods his head. Steve turns to Lance. "I never got a chance to apologize for shouting at you." The man taps Steve on the back and mumbles something only meant for Steve to hear. Bobbi stands up too and suggests that everyone shift their seats so that Bucky can sit at one end of the table. Steve sees the relief in Bucky's eyes. Since he lacks all of his left visual field, Bucky sits at the far end of the table, allowing to have most people to be seated on his right while Winter stays closely on his left. Steve sits in front of Bucky and chats happily with his friends, asking if Daisy and Mack will show up later. Bucky smiles genuinely and laughs when Hunter relates fun anecdotes about Steve.

A blond man comes to their table, greets them warmly and asks for their order. When it comes to Bucky, Bucky stares at Steve and signs b-e-e-r and also taps twice near his lips with three fingers forming a W. Before Steve can tell the bartender what Bucky wants, the blond man - Clint - repeats his order and signs simultaneously at Bucky who watches Clint with astonishment. _One beer and a glass of water?_ Bucky signs _yes_ before Clint starts signing enthusiastically with him and shows his discreet hearing aids. Steve notices how Bucky's shoulder loses all tension and how he smiles when Clint signs something else, to witch Bucky agrees happily. Clint kneels on the floor, scratches Winter's ears, and pets him playfully before standing up and walking back to the bar. Bucky blushes when Lance teases him about now being a good friend with the owner of the bar and asks if it means they'll get free beer.

When Clint returns to the table with everyone's drink, he announces that they have about an hour or so to determinate which one of the group is the best at playing darts.

"As soon as I finish my shift, I'll challenge the best one of you. Free round on me if he, or she," Clint emphasizes, looking at Jemma and Bobbi with piercing blue eyes, "beats me!"

The group splits into three teams and begins their little tournament. Bucky easily wins over Steve in the first round. Lance argues for a rematch as Bobbi gets rid of him in no time. Jemma’s and Fitz’s round ends in a tie, but they both agree that they are no match for either Bucky or Bobbi and throw the towel. Everyone is on their fourth beer except for Lance who is on (approximately) his eighth, while Bucky sips a non-alcoholic drink. Bucky and Bobbi begin playing the final round to decide who will compete against Clint. Bobbi is ahead on the score until Steve gets up, wraps his arms around Bucky, and whispers something in his ear. Bucky giggles and positions himself. He stretches his neck muscles left and right, aims at the dartboard, and hits the center of the bullseye. Everyone cheers for Bucky as he turns back to Steve and claims the kiss Steve promised him.

Clint joins the animated group. Now that his shift is over, he's sporting a clean white T-shirt with a purple and fuchsia target. He signs with Bucky, and they seem to agree to include everyone in their discussion. Steve is so proud of Bucky when he uses his voice to call Lance on his bullshit, taking everyone by surprise. Fitz cries with laughter while Jemma explains to a tall African-America an and a little brunette – Mack and Daisy - what the laughter is all about. Bobbi and Steve make jokes at Hunter’s expense while Bucky and Clint take turns at throwing darts.  Clint brags about being by far the best sharpshooter, not only of his military unit but the whole battalion to which he used to belong until he lost most of his hearing during his second tour in Afghanistan. Bucky loses the game, but not without giving Clint a good challenge, and because of that, Clint agrees to buy a round of shots for everyone.

~*~

Steve and Bucky walk by the park near Steve’s apartment, and decide to stop and sit for a moment. It is surprisingly comfortable for a January night. It’s late, and they’re all alone, so Bucky removes Winter’s vest and detaches his leash to let him play freely. Steve is a little tipsy and mildly euphoric. He can’t take his eyes off Bucky whose serene face illuminates under the full moon. When Bucky turns and sees Steve staring at him, he smiles kindly and lowers his eyes timidly before reaching for Steve’s hand.

“I love you so much,” Steve says as he exhales, tilts his head and closes his eyes, immersing himself in the bliss of the moment. He feels Bucky’s body leaning against his, and the warmth of his breath on the small portion of skin exposed just behind his ear. It tickles, and Steve chuckles. He turns his head and places a soft kiss on Bucky’s lips. They sit there a little bit longer, tired but happy. Bucky bends two fingers to sign _I love you._ He keeps his fingers in position and gently places his hand on Steve’s lap, as if signing _I love you_ once wasn’t enough. The caress of Bucky's fingers reminds Steve that the little gestures and the actions done for the other one are what love really is.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments and kudos, it's really appreciated <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> *The Devil in The White City by Erik Larson, Crown Publishers, 2003


End file.
